A Rawk and a Hard Place
by Krivoklatsko
Summary: Axel and Roxas can't complete a mission because a rock band keeps schooling them.
1. Served

**In case the description didn't sum it up. The problem is a rock band. You get to fill in which band they are.**

* * *

Xemnas sighed to himself. "I sent you two to Hollow Bastion to kill heartless."

Axel and Roxas lowered their heads solemnly. They were standing in a puddle of failure in front of Xemnas' desk.

"And you claim that you failed because...?"

They were silent.

"Please, humor me. Just repeat for the record, why it is that you failed."

Roxas gulped, then muttered something under his breath so low that it wasn't comprehendible.

"Excuse me?"

Roxas mumbled again, louder, but too fast. Xemnas leaned forward over his desk

"One more time."

"We got... served..."

Xemnas sat completely motionless in his chair while he took it in. His gaze wandered around his "office" for a while as he tried to make sense of what they were telling him. Finally he refocused his attention on them.

"WHAT?!"

They both jumped.

"Uh..."

"Define '_served!_'" He pointed at Roxas as he said it.

"We... uh... we we're gonna... uh... but then these guys were like... Axel should tell you."

Roxas lowered his gaze to the floor again, then nudged Axel with his elbow. Axel sighed, then said, "alright."

**flashback**

"Alright, Roxas. Our orders are to go to the Heartless castle in the area and clear the place out."

"I know."

"I know you know. I'm just doing a refresher."

"Why?"

"To keep our memories refreshed."

"But we're nobodies. We don't forget things."

"Do you remember what a dykphore is?"

Roxas thought for a moment. "N-no. What is a dykphore?"

"That's what she said."

Roxas sighed, then glanced around the market they were in. A woman in all black clothing was wandering around looking for someone near them, while shopkeepers bought and sold goods. He looked back at Axel.

"Okay... where is the heartless castle?"

Axel pulled the town map from a pocket in his robe. "I guess it's outta' town. Over there, past the valley.

"Let's go, then."

They stepped through a portal to The Great Divide. Roxas looked both directions, then mumbled, "I don't see a castle here." He shot an unimpressed glance at Axel. "Did you read the map correctly?"

"We've gotta go farthe... who are these clowns?"

Roxas followed his gaze. Only a moment before, the valley had been empty. Now, about a hundred feet away from them, was an entire rock band. Roxas' eyebrows raised slightly.

"Is that?"

Axel's jaw dropped.

"It couldn't be."

"There's no way," Roxas agreed.

"Besides, what would they be doing here?"

"They wouldn't be here," Roxas responded.

"Go ask them."

"You ask 'em."

Axel pushed Roxas forward. He resisted at first, until Axel pulled rank.

"Do it! That's an order."

Roxas glared at him for a moment, then approached the band, who readied their instruments, except for the lead singer/guitarist, who was empty handed. When Roxas was half-way, and about to open his mouth. The lead singer held up a hand. In a voice that crawled from the deepest pit of hell for the sole purpose of all out, badass, face-melting, utter Rawking, he said,

"_**You shall not pass.**_"

Roxas, unsure what to do, looked back at Axel. Axel flicked his hand at him, urging him onward.

"Are you guys-?"

"_**You shall not pass.**_"

Roxas walked back to Axel.

"What did he say?"

"He said he won't let us pass."

"But is it really them?"

"I think so."

"Huh."

Axel stretched his back. "Who would've thought we'd ever get to meet the greatest rock band in the history of the whole galaxy?"

Roxas sighed. "They're impeding our mission. We have to fight them."

"What?!"

"We have to complete the mission."

"Oh. Yeah... Hey! I've got an idea. Why don't we challenge them to a rock off first?"

Roxas removed the hood of his cloak. "Could you say that again? I think I miss-heard you."

Axel socked him on the arm. "Whatever. Check this out."

They turned to face the band, and discovered that the lead singer was already standing next to them. They both jumped.

"_**We aksept.**_" Roxas and Axel gaped in awe at his ability to make it seem like such a hard "k" sound rather than "cc".

The awe came with an immediate sense of regret that clawed away at their empty insides. The lead singer reached a hand toward the heavens and waited. Roxas and Axel waited as well, fearfully. Very slowly, they became aware of a growing noise in the distance. It seemed at first to be coming from the band, but soon reverberated throughout the entire canyon, shaking the ground, rocking the mountains, and pummeling their eardrums. It was the sound of amplifiers... idling. Then, far away, a flash on the horizon. Roxas glanced at the sky, and blinked when a raindrop hit his face.

"Uh... Axel?"

"Yeah?"

"Wasn't it sunny just a moment ago?"

Axel looked up at the now pitch black, rain-filled sky. "Yeah."

He looked back at the lead singer, who was still reaching his hand to the heavens.

"Can we surrender now?"

"_**No mercy."**_

Roxas nudged Axel and muttered, "get real! We've got a mission to comp-"

**CRAKKK!**

A lightning bolt struck the lead singer's hand, causing a three-necked guitar to materialize.

Axel and Roxas grabbed each other for support.

**In Xemnas office**

"Long story short, he won the challenge."

Xemnas sighed. Then stared blankly at them for a long moment.

"Did it occur to you to fight him?"

Roxas held up a hand. "Actually we di-" Axel jabbed him with an elbow.

"-didn't. No, you're right we should've."

Xemnas glanced between them, then snapped a finger. Xigbar appeared beside him. "Yes, superior?"

"Axel."

Axel repeated his story. Xigbar shrugged.

"It sounds to me like he got served."

Xemnas glared at Xigbar, who continued talking. "Yeah. Wow. I guess the only way to get past them would be to out-rock them, but without instruments they were defenseless."

They all thought for half-a-second.

"I'll call a meeting."

**In the meeting hall**

The organization sat, fully arrayed, in their respective chairs, all with their hoods on.

"Axel." Xemnas gestured at him.

Axel repeated his story again. When he was done, Xemnas spoke up.

"Am I the only one here who finds this ridiculous?"

The room fell silent; especially Demyx.

"Kingdom Hearts..." Xemnas sighed incredulously.

Xaldin spoke up. "It does sound like the got served pretty hard."

The rest of the members nodded; all but Demyx.

"I even feel a little sorry for the twerps."

Xemnas shot Larxene a surprised glance. They were all serious. They all thought that getting "served" was a valid excuse. As if dignity had anything to do with victory. He thought to himself for a long while, before speaking again. "Very well then. It would appear to be that we have to resolve the problem using different elements."

Everyone nodded except for Demyx, whose hood seemed especially low.

Saix chimed in. "We should present someone who can compete musically on their level."

All eyes landed on Demyx, who was completely still.

"Well, Demyx?" Xemnas glared at him.

Demyx said nothing.

Everyone waited.

"Do you have any input to this conversation at all?"

Demyx fell over onto his side, causing his hood to fall open and revealing that his cloak was being held up by a stick. He already knew how the meeting would end.

Xemnas sighed. "Find him. Meeting adjourned."

**Two Hours later **

Demyx ran. He ran as hard as he could. He ran as hard as he could in nothing but his boxer shorts through the streets that never were until he reached the Memories Skyscraper. He tried opening the door. It wouldn't budge. He jerked it as hard as he could to no avail.

"What to do? Man! I can't let them send me up against them! I'm the wrong guy to send. Portals!"

He portaled to the interior of the building. The entire floor, from what he could tell, was an administrative office. He began running throughout the building, looking for the perfect place to hide. He tried the elevator, but it didn't seem right. He crawled under tables, put trash cans over his head, and generally found himself dissappointed, confused, and crazy-looking, but not well-hidden. He seemed to be the only person here, yet couldn't feel safe. It was maddening. It was so maddening that he found himself simply running as fast as he could through every floor, hoping to suddenly spot a place in the corner of his eyes that he could stop and become invisible inside; a perfect hiding place. He rounded a cubicle and flew into an unexpected other person. They both fell to the floor, scattering books in all directions. All Demyx saw of the other man was a cane. He began profusely apologizing as he helped him to his feet.

"Oh! I'm so sorry! I'm running from... wait a second."

The man he had bumped into was wearing blue jeans, a red and white stripped sweater, a red and white striped beanie, and glasses. He hurriedly picked up the books he had dropped.

"Don't I know you from somewhere?"

"No." The man gathered all his books in one hand, grabbed his cane with the other, and sprinted around the corner.

"Oh... WAIT!Yes I-"

Demyx stepped around the corner and saw that the man had disappeared.

"Oh."

He looked back at the ground. There was a single book lying there that the man had forgotten.

"I should have gotten a hiding tip from him."

"Indeed."

"What?"

Demyx looked behind himself to see the entire organization giving him a disapproving stare. Larxene was giggling.

"Nice boxers."

Xemnas threw him his cloak. "Come. We're all going together."

**In the Great Divide**

The organization appeared from portals of darkness, then glanced about themselves. There was a single child in the canyon with them, playing an air guitar. Xemnas glared at Axel, his eyes bulging like it was a Yen Sid look-alike competition. He broke his gaze and approached the child. He stepped in the kid's way, calling his attention.

"Who are you?"

The child looked him in the eyes for a moment, then exploded, scattering his flesh across them all.

Where he had been standing, appeared the lead guitarist of the most HardKore band ever. The organization was paralyzed with a mixture of fear, awe, and "omigodthatkidjusteploded" written on their faces.

"_**I am the master of Rawk."**_

Xemnas didn't argue. "Do you think... maybe... we could... um... go over... there?" He pointed at the heartless castle. "I mean... if that's... ok-"

"_**You shall not pass.**_"

Xemnas took a cautious step backward, then another, then another until he was back with the group. "Demyx, you're on."

Demyx didn't move. Xemnas pushed him toward the lead guitarist, who made a rising motion with his hand. Dust swirled behind him and formed itself into the rest of his band, who were wielding instruments made of fire. Demyx summoned his Sitar, and tried to smile sheepishly. It came out as a cringe.

"_**Do you dare to challenge us?**_"

"Well... I mean... it's not personal. I'm a big fan of you guys and-"

"_**Then we will drinK your blood as a toast to a more worthy enemy. What do you wager?**_"

"Uh... if I win... I get to... uh... go over there."

Larxene shouted from the group, "autographs!"

"All of us get to pass through the canyon, and I want autographs for all of us. And... uh..."

"Full-access passes for the next tour!"

"Yeah! That too."

The band members all nodded.

"_**The deal is fair. If we win...**_"

He turned to the rest of the band, who murmured amongst themselves. When they were done, he returned his gaze.

"_**If we win, you will bring us an OrichalKum-plus Shrubbery.**_" The organization gasped.

"What?! Where are we going to get an Orichalcum-plus Shrubbery?!"

"_**Further more, it must be stained with the blood of ten-thousand Nobodies, and be equipped with treads so we can ride it around. We're trying to one-up the Nights Who Say Nee. Some pyroteKniKs would be Kool too.**_"

"B-but... Nobodies don't bleed."

"_**We'll see about that.**_"

Demyx looked back at Xemnas, who gave a thumbs-up. He turned back to the enemy band.

"D-d-d-d-d-d-"

"_**Deal. Let the Karnage begin!**_"

* * *

**Poor Demyx. :)**

**Next chapter coming eventually. I'm trying to think up dialog that has lots of letters I can replace with K. **


	2. What Now?

**I decided to update, and I'm glad I did.**

* * *

Demyx licked his lips tentatively and looked behind himself at the rest of the organization. They were all urging him on. He looked ahead of himself and saw The Greatest Band Ever waiting patiently for him to try and impress them with a solo before they slew him with one of their own. He summoned his sitar shakily and cleared his throat. He plucked at one of the strings randomly, causing it to make an ungodly twang noise. He giggled out of fear and cleared his throat again.

"You can do it, dude!"

He waved a hand back at Xigbar and took a deep breath.

_Well,_ he thought to himself. _If I'm going to go down, I'll go down with a fight._

Demyx strummed all of his strings at once and screamed, "Dance water! Dance!"

In The Castle

"Well…" Xemnas had his arms folded across his chest.

Everyone fidgeted uncomfortably.

"At least it's over now."

"THE HORROR!"

Everyone jumped as Demyx screamed from the floor, where he had been twitching for several hours.

"They didn't summon so many dragons last time." Everyone looked at Roxas, who had spoken.

"Yeah," Axel agreed. "And I had no idea the Chernabog was their backup Bass guitarist."

They all nodded.

"Man!" Xigbar was shaking his head. "Where are we supposed to get an Orichalcum shrubbery?"

"We could try the Internet."

Everyone looked to Roxas again. "What?"

Larxene's looked curious. "Where do we get internet?"

Xemnas hid his face in his hand. Roxas shrugged.

"Wireless. Xemnas told me to install it so we could start a Vlog for all the nobodies to watch. We've had it for a while. Hey, speaking of which, why didn't we ever do that?"

Everyone looked at Xemnas. He pulled his face away from his hand and, in an official manner, said, "I decided that that wouldn't be an appropriate use of resources."

Axel glared now. "So… what have you been using it for?"

"… Business…"

Lexaeus only raised an eyebrow, so Larxene asked the question that everyone was thinking. "What business?"

Xemnas shifted his weight uncomfortably. "Networking."

Zexion's eyes became narrow slits. "Facebook whore."

Later

Everyone crowded around Roxas, who had set a laptop on his legs and was waiting for it to start. Everyone waited. Everyone waited some more. Larxene's face started to twitch. Zexion brushed a lock of hair away from his face. Demyx twitched on the ground. Everyone waited some more.

"How long is this gonna' take twerp?"

Roxas shrugged. "I don't know. It's a new computer. They told me it was super powerful though."

"It's a PC, isn't it?"

Roxas looked up at Zexion. "What's that got to do with it?"

"A Mac would be online by now."

"Oh, please! Once it's on it'll be worth the wait. Besides, it's running the newest OS on the market. It's called Vista."

Even Later

Zexion sat on the ground with a Macbook Pro on his lap. Vexen, Larxene, Luxord, Marluxia, and Lexaeus were behind him. The laptop made a cheery start-up noise and Zexion glared across the foyer at Roxas, Xemnas, Axel, Xigbar, Sa'i'x, and Xaldin.

They glared back.

"Say it."

Roxas shook his head. "It probably just takes longer since it's the first time."

"Say it! I won, you have to say it!"

Roxas bowed his head in defeat and mumbled.

"Louder!"

"Macs rule."

"That's right!"

Roxas slowly folded his laptop closed while he tried to stifle a tear.

Zexion smiled and began typing. "Alright. Let's see… Or-I-chal-cum shru-b-b-er-y."

He sounded out the word while he typed it. "And enter."

They waited for a moment.

Larxene leaned in closer and said, "Orichalcum role-playing?"

"Hmmm." Everyone nodded in agreement with Lexaeus.

Vexen typed in, "Orichalcum shrubber."

Again, nothing remotely similar to what they were looking for.

"Wait a minute."

Everyone looked to Roxas, who sitting dejectedly in the PC corner.

"What are we doing? I mean, it's not like they know where we live. We don't actually have to get them a shrubbery. This is ridiculous."

Everyone looked at Xemnas, who shrugged.

"That's a good point."

"AAAAAHHHHH!!!!"

Everyone jumped as Demyx let out yet another cry of horror from his not entirely lucid fetal position on the floor.

Xemnas looked concerned for a moment, then said, "We should forget about the castle in Hollow Bastion. There are plenty of other places to find hearts. And besides, even if they do come knocking, this_ is _a castle."

Everyone breathed a sigh of relief.

"Yeah!" Axel cheered. "It doesn't get much safer than this!"

The front wall caved under the blow of a massive fist. Everyone gaped in awe as Bahamut, The Dragon King, let loose a roar that shook the entire structure like a paper bag in the wind.

Demyx covered his rear with his hands and ran screaming, "NOT AGAIN!"

Bahamut dropped onto all fours and stuck his face several inches away from Xemnas. Xemnas blinked. Bahamut blinked back. Xemnas cleared his throat. "Uh…"

Bahamut reached a hand around his back, pulled something diminutive from what appeared to be a pocket, and handed it to Xemnas. It was an envelope. "Oh."

Bahamut raised his wings and jumped as he unleashed their full force, knocking everyone to the ground. He took several more beats to turn, and then was gone into the distance. Xemnas stood to his feet, trying to be as in control as usual. Everyone crowded around him shakily to read the note. He opened the envelope, pulled out the letter, and cleared his throat again. The font was unmistakably associated with the band they had battled. The letters were made of fire. He read it aloud.

"Bring us the shrubbery or you'll never see your daughter again."

Xemnas blinked. "I don't…"

Everyone traded looks. "Where's Namine?"

Luxord nudged Xemnas in the back. "There's more."

Xemnas read aloud again. "P.S. This note will explode before you finish rea-

* * *

**Think fast Xemmy. XD**

**Oh Noes! They took Namine hostage!  
**


	3. Our Only Hope

**I would like to start this off by saying that I respect all of these musicians very much, including the ones that I make fun of. Really, regardless of what I think of their sound, they are musicians, the farmers that toil to feed our ears. However, nothing is sacred. So...**

Zexion sat in a chair with his laptop, hitting the "s" key exactly once a second, purely out of boredom.

"Hey there, Zexy."

Zexion glared at Axel over the screen.

"Oh, haha. Don't you feel clever?"

He looked back at his laptop and continued typing in cadence with time.

"So."

Zexion typed for a few more seconds before asking, "So, what?"

"Nothin'."

Axel took a seat on the couch that was facing Zexion's chair and put his feet up on it.

"Nice couch."

Zexion missed a beat. "Get your feet off of it."

"Oh, you don't like that?"

Zexion stopped typing and glared. "Stop it."

"Stop what?"

"Stop rubbing your filthy shoes on my couch."

Axel glanced at his feet on the couch, then back at Zexion. "Can I use your computer?"

"No."

Axel rubbed his shoes around on the couch to Zexion's horror.

"W-w-w-w-w-what are you doing?!"

"Getting comfortable. So, Zexy..."

Zexion looked down at his computer, then up at the couch, then back at Axel, who nodded.

**In the main hall**

Xemnas scratched his chin thoughtfully.

"Come on, you stupid thing!"

Xemnas scratched his chin some more.

"Load!"

Xemnas paced back and forth in front of the breach that Bahamut had left in his mighty wake.

"Yes!"

Xemnas peeked at Roxas, who was doing a victory dance over his PC, then paced some more.

"Roxas."

Roxas gave the superior his undivided attention. "Sir?"

"Go onto the Internet. Look up musicians, famous musicians. No... look up... "  
Xemnas turned to face Roxas fully. "Look up Ronald Jenkees."

Xemnas turned towards the massive aperture in the wall to face the sunset and whispered, "he's our only hope now."

**Several hours later**

The entire organization was busy now, working frantically to find the most famous pop stars, rockers, and musical masterminds in all the worlds, and where they lived. Someone shouted "Pomplamoose!" in the din and was immediately followed by, "Bach!" Roxas lifted his hand and shouted, "does anyone know who Yoko Shimomura is?" Axel smacked him on the back of the head. "Who do you think wrote our theme music, moron?"

"Oh. Right."

They all continued typing, coming up with groups and individuals like 30 Seconds to Mars, The Beatles, Nobuo Uematsu, Three Days Grace, Lincoln Park, Fort Minor, Pink Floyd, My Chemical Romance, The Beach Boys, The Fat Boys, The Boston Philharmonic Orchestra, August Rush, Tay Zonday, Fatso the Piano Cat, Southpaw, Sir Mix-Alot, Eminem, Will Smith, Mozart, Beethoven, Wonder Girls, Arctic Monkeys, Muse, Flight of the Conchords, Smashing Pumpkins, Jascha Heifetz, Yuki Kajiura, Plain White Ts, Rogers and Hammerstein, A R Rahman, Coldplay, Kings of Leon, AC/DC, Rage Against the Machine, Nine Inch Nails, Snow Patrol, The Killers, Tchaikovsky, Tori Amos, Koop, Lonely Island and a certain other band of "Brothers" whose family name stars with a J that the author doesn't think merits free advertising.

Xemnas held up his hands triumphantly and declared, "enough!"

Everyone's eyes shot up from the (macintosh) laptops they had assembled (stolen).

"Now. Send all of the dusks, all of them! We must gather these musicians together and create... THE NEW GREATEST BAND EVER!"

**Two Days Later, The Main Hall  
**

Bach, Mozart, and Beethoven were arguing over the placement of a whole note while Fatso the piano cat and August Rush took the opportunity to play with their pipe organ. Marluxia watched the cat with the same interest he would bestow upon a flower before looking over at Luxord, who was playing cards with Natalie and Jack from Pomplamoose. Luxord dealt a rigged hand and glanced over at Roxas, who was busy joining the Black Parade with Vexen. The combined screaming over the microphone between he, Vexen, and Gerard Way was drowning out Namine's muted chorus of "these are a few of my faaaaaaavorite things." Meanwhile, Larxene was flirting with that band whose name starts with a J, and trying to figure out how their pants get so tight. Yoko and Nobuo were trying to find new ways to remix "Those Who Fight" for the thousandth time, Joe Satriani was staring daggers at Coldplay while The Fat Boys and The Beach Boys (and Southpaw and Sir Mix-alot) did the same, Will Smith was trying to ignore the stream of profanity coming from Eminem, Muse shared a small piece of cheese amongst themselves for their daily ration, and Tchaikovsky was humming that infernal f*ck!ng Dance of The Sugar Plum Fairy AGAIN! Come on! Has anyone not heard that song a thousand times?!

Xemnas tried to take it all in. Somehow, if they could all get organized, they could easily become the most powerful musical force ever, and then the castle at hollow bastion could be stormed, and Namine could be rescued from the clutches of The Greatest Band Ever.

Namine thanked Roger's and Hammerstein for her audition and ran past Xemnas to sit with Sa'i'x and watch Jascha Heifetz play the violin. Xaldin and Xigbar were busy trying to share their Sake with Yuki Kajiura and Utada Hikari to no success. The noise was amazing, but quickly silenced when Axel and Zexion burst into the room, one on fire, the other being assaulted with a lexicon.

"You broke it! You soiled my couch and broke my computer!"

They jumped over percussion instruments, slid under benches, ran across the card table, and finally stopped by the pipe organ, where Axel was cornered. In a fit of rage, Zexion raised the lexicon above his head and swung down with all of his might.

There was a "meow?" followed by a deep resounding **THUMP**.

August Rush looked at the bench next to him. "Fatso?"

Absolute silence descended upon the room, and all eyes fell on Zexion and his massive, flaming tome.

* * *

**Fatsooooooooooo! Nooooooooooooooo-oh well. Guess we'll see what happens in chapter 4.  
**


	4. Battle of The Bands

**Passion**

Shortly after the death of Fatso, the tension in the main hall of Castle Oblivion turned into a massive fist fight. The Jonas Brothers were slapping, Muse hid in cracks in the walls, Lincoln Park was bleeding it all out, The Plain white Ts demonstrated how much they really, really, really, didn't like someone, Mozart began slaughtering chickens (they were rooting for Bach), and it seemed as if the only band not involved in the massive scuffle was Snow Patrol. They just lay there, and Namine lay with them.

Xemnas lifted off the ground to hover above the crowd and magnified his voice magically.

"Enough!"

The bands stopped fighting and all glared at him.

"I know we kidnapped you, and shoved you all into a room with people you don't like. But for the sake of our hearts, listen to reason."

Everyone lowered their fists tentatively.

"Fatso the Piano Cat is dead. There's nothing we can do about it. What we can do is form a cohesive musical group that will allow us to defeat The Greatest Band Ever, which will allow us to storm the castle and kill heartless, which rebuilds kingdom hearts, which allows us to get our hearts back. Oh, and they kidnapped Namine. So please, help us get our hearts back, and Namine. Or at the very least, do it for Fatso."

"But I'm still-"

Marluxia hushed Namine and covered her mouth.

The bands, soloists, composers, and posers, all looked at each other crossly until one of The Beach Boys shouted,

"Well I feel so broke up, I wanna go home."

"Yeah, man, this is worse than the Sloop John B."

The other musicians nodded their agreement with the sentiments and began to walk somberly to the front door, cradling their injuries. The Organization felt defeated, and looked that way. Zexion moved his book so August Rush could put Fatso in a shoe box, and dusted off the cover.

Just as the Boston Philharmonic Orchestra was almost to the door, three dusks dragged in a teenaged boy with a satchel and a notepad. They dropped him ungraciously on the floor, and everyone froze to watch him. He stood, dusted himself off, and asked, "has anyone seen a girl named Penny? Penny lane?"

"Who are you?"

The newcomer turned to Xemnas. "Huh? Oh. I'm William Miller. Rolling Stone sent me here with Stillwater to do an article about this whole 'New Greatest Band Ever' thing."

The musicians all murmured amongst themselves and quickly set their instruments back down; all was forgiven, and The New Greatest Band Ever was formed.

**Two Days Later, In The Great Divide**

The YouTube Internet Orchestra readied their instruments and delivered the most hope inspiring rendition of Internet Symphony no. 1 ever heard by mortal ears. The Greatest Band Ever yawned as it wrapped up, and then freestyled a song with lyrics more wrathful than Dies Irae, longer than Devil Glitch, Faster than anything Dragonforce could hear, Louder than Manowar, sadder than Danny Boy, more intense than Metal itself, and more awesome than the entire orchestra could comprehend. They combusted spontaneously. The lead guitarist yawned again when he was done. "_**Kan't take it, huh?" **_

The Greatest Band Ever high-fived amongst themselves and were about to leave when, faintly, they heard the opening line of dueling banjos played by a single, quiet, yet powerful violin. The Lead Guitarist of The Greatest Band Ever peered into the distance to see a lone figure, dressed in a formal suit. Jascha Heifetz raised his eyes from the ground menacingly. "We wanted you to be warmed up."

The rest of The New Greatest Band Ever materialized around him, filling the canyon so it was packed even tighter than when the heartless would later raid it. Four amplified pipe organs blasted Toccata and fugue in cadence as a warm up before the main show began. The band came From Yesterday like a British Invasion, rocked about the Animals they Have Become, lamented What They'd Done, rapped about why they should Remember The Name (all this to make them Comfortably Numb), Challenged The Old Greatest Band Ever to a street race (as if they could beat a "W" head 409 inch Chevy with dual quads), made Chocolate Rain, rapped some more about butts, bibles, Eminem's exploits, and the coming Willennium, then wound up the Doomsday Clock, lit Sex on Fire, came Back in Black, unleashed a parade of bulls, made a Strawberry Swirl (and this time all the boys were men), expanded their Absolute Space just with their awesome presence, hopped on a boat (Muthaf*cka), and then phased between Destati, Via Purifico, Somnus, and an all new FF anthology song that made the most formidable musical dolmade ever.

The last note held in the air for three whole minutes before bursting into a colossal volcanic eruption. Xemnas took the nearest microphone and said, "and now for our finale. We dedicate this to Fatso, our fallen comrade."

MCR took the stage alone and sent him off just as wonderfully as Helena. As everyone bowed their heads in prayer, Fatso rose from the dead, danced around them all, joined in on one of the pipe organs, and then returned to his grave just in time for everyone to say, "amen."

When it was clear that the Organization was through, The Lead Guitarist of The Old Greatest Band Ever set down his guitar in shame and said, "wow. That was pretty cool."

The rest of his band nodded.

"Yeah, we don't have a response. You guys really did us in there. We surrender."

Xemnas' jaw dropped. "Really?"

_**"Hek NO!"**_

The Lead Guitarist summoned a baby out of thin air and drop-kicked it at the Organization, where It exploded on impact. The ensuing battle transcended three dimensions.

**After the Battle**

Marluxia staggered out from under some rubble, carrying Luxord over his back. Larxene was limping nearby, making her way toward Zexion's limp body to poke him with a kunai and see if he was alive. Roxas had already dusted himself off and was mourning the loss of Mikey Way with Vexen. Demyx had remained unmarred by curling into a ball and holding still, and was now bathed in the remains of the Boston Philharmonic, who had played valiantly, but ultimately succumbed to the face melting solo that the Chernabog unleashed from his living seven headed dragon bass guitar. Xaldin and Xigbar were cowering behind Yuki and Utada, who had formed a phalanx with The Wonder Girls to spearhead a JPop incursion into the column of heartless that been spawned. Meanwhile, Xehanort stood triumphantly over his arch nemesis, The Lead Guitarist of The Old Greatest Band Ever, the only remaining member.

"Where is Namine?"

Namine poked her head out from under a rock nearby.

"I'm right here."

"Well it's about time!"

Axel appeared nearby with a shell-shocked expression. "She's been here for a while, superior. We brought her here, remember?"

Xemnas blinked. "But... but there's nobody else that could have been kidnapped. Look."

He began pointing out Organization members in the settling dust. "Me, Xigbar, Xaldin, Vexen, Lexaeus, Zexion, Sa'i'x, you, Demyx, Luxord, Marluxia, Larxene, and Roxas. Thirteen. See? Everyone. So who'd they kidnap?"

Axel smacked a hand against his face as it dawned on him.

**Memories in Pieces**

"You got him what?"

Xaldin and Xigbar were giggling uncontrollably.

"Superior is totally wasted, Axel."

Roxas stuck his head through Axel's door to address the other three. "Heard the news?"

"Yeah, dude, superior's totally wasted."

"The other news."

They all stopped laughing.

"Superior wants all of us gathered ASAP."

They portalled to the meeting hall, where Xemnas sat, or rather swayed, in his chair.

"Now. As all of you are aware- I mean come on Larxy, you just don't cut it, okay? Okay?!"

Axel, Xigbar, and Xaldin were cracking up while Zexion glared at Xemnas. Larxene appeared confused.

"Larxy, you can't... don't take offense at this. Everyone, there aren't enough girls around here, okay? It's like a friggin' sword fight broke out at a sausage fest. I want you to meet our newest member, number fourteen."

The laughing stopped. "What?"

"Her name is Xion."

**Flash Forward (To Our Surprise)**

"Fourteen!?" Xemnas stared incredulously at Axel.

Axel nodded.

"Why don't I remember any of this?"

The rest of the Organization had assembled by now, along with the remnants of The New Greatest Band Ever.

"You were pretty wasted, superior."

Xemnas turned back to The Lead Guitarist. "Alright then. Where is Xion?"

The Lead Guitarist waved his hand, causing a cage to appear. Xion sat in it, looking rather bored.

They freed her apologetically and turned back to The Lead Guitarist. "Well... wanna join our band?"

He nodded solemnly. _**"Thanks."**_


	5. Extra Ending

The Organization waved as The New Greatest Band Ever left through the hole in Castle Oblivion to go back home. It was sad to see them go, but all good things come to an end. When the last person was out of sight, Xemnas sighed.

"Alright. Let's raid that castle."

Axel raised an eyebrow. "What, all of us?"

"Everyone. I want to kill every last heartless in the place."

"Can I come?"

Xemnas scowled at Namine. "Can you fight?"

"I kill with my mind."

Xemnas blinked. "What?"

Vexen raised his hand. "I can vouch for that, actually. She spends her down time killing my clones."

Xemnas threw his hands up in defeat. "Fine."

"Yes! I'm one of you guys now!"

**The Castle at Hollow Bastion**

The entire organization (including the new number XV) stood at the entrance to The Castle at Hollow Bastion. They filed inside quietly, all business, and were surprised to encounter, rather than heartless, two humans battling to the watched in awe as the duo danced about the entire foyer in a violent display of martial skill and deadly efficiency. It was beautiful, like a thorn on a rose, and awe inspiring, due to their superhuman strength and Godlike speed. One threw a punch that was deflected into a pillar that crumbled and collapsed into a singularity under the crushing blow. Almost immediately after, a spinning roundhouse kick did the same thing to the air it flew past. The all destructive battle captivated the Organization as spectators, right until Namine shouted, "Alright! Let's get 'em guys!"

Chuck Norris and Bruce Lee broke from their sparring to glare at the Organization, then redirected their stances at them as well. Demyx ran and made it out the door... almost.

**Fin**


End file.
